Sunday, April 3, 2016


Eating (or otherwise using up) an entire Ham within a week the octave of Easter

The Easter meal is serious business in Draganland. There are traditional, time-honored recipes featured. We have ordered rare ingredients by mail before. The preparatory shopping trip takes at least two hours, all for the supporting cast.
Because there can be only one star.
The ham.
Ham is the meat of a Dragan Easter, so it has been proclaimed and so it will be forever more. Dining at someone else's house? We have a ham delivered ahead of time. We don't mess around.
There's a problem, though. Hams (good hams, anyway) come in two sizes: big or bigger. And there are just four Dragans, two of whom eat like tiny little birds. Ever see a tiny bird take down a hog and eat it?

Yeah, me neither.
So we have A LOT of leftover ham. I know what you're thinking: Why don't you all just invite some people over for Easter supper and share the wealth? Believe me, I've tried. Grant gets this crazed look in his eye because he knows I will try to send these kind, unsuspecting people home with some of HIS HAM. And if there's one thing that he relishes more than the Traditional Easter Feast, it is the Ceremonial Easter Leftovers.
Have you experienced a HAM-bundance of leftovers in your home? I'm here to help.

Day 1: Feast
Feast your heart out on ham today. Have seconds. Try thirds. Pick a little ham off the platter every time you walk by the counter. Look the other way when the cat sneaks some off of a plate -- it's Easter! Everyone should celebrate. And there's plenty of ham to go around!

Day 2: Leftovers!
You're excited about leftovers today! The potato salad's flavors have married nicely. The ham hasn't started to drip all over your refrigerator yet. You are still residually fueled by the 86 Cadbury mini eggs that you ate while washing dishes last night. Leftovers are great! Why do you get so sick of this every year?

Day 3: Ham Sandwiches
These are pretty good. Grant has mastered the leftover Easter sandwich. At one point we daydreamed about starting a food cart that sold holiday-themed sliders. The Easter sandwich would have been a best seller. We brainstormed Easter, Thanksgiving, 4th of July, and Hannukah sandwiches for the menu. Come to think of it, this was one of our better business plans...
Here's the Easter sandwich:
Ham (duh)
mayo (make it Duke's, people)
provolone cheese
bread and butter pickles
Hawaiian roll
Assemble and microwave for a minute. Enjoy. Ignore the emerging puffiness around your eyes.

Day 4: Cheesy Ham and Potato Soup
Make this soup. It's really good! Keep repeating this to your children so that they'll eat more of it. See if you can stretch the 1-2 cups of diced ham that the recipe calls for to 1-2 pounds; you've barely made a dent in the ham. Didn't your friend just have a baby? She'd love a few bowls gallon or two of this soup! Walk it over to her house, you haven't gotten off your couch in days.

Day 5: Ham -- The Gift that Keeps Giving
Don't let anyone leave your house without a freezer-size Ziplock bag full of ham. Ignore their polite refusals/protests/looks of disgust. They want this ham, they just didn't know how to ask for it. The neighbors sent you a Christmas card, surely they that earns them some ham! Write all notes to your children's teachers on ham. Slip slices between pieces of outgoing mail for your mailman.

Day 6: Get Creative
How is there still ham left?? Sew new soccer jerseys for your daughter's team and suggest they change their name to the Hamsters. Fashion new wedding bands out of ham since your old ones won't seem to fit over your fingers anymore. Reupholster that couch you've barely left. With ham.

Day 7: Ham Coma
Ban the use of the word ham in your home and place of business. Swear off pork products and research religions that would help you abstain. Assume an unresponsive fetal position on the new HAM-polstered couch until your husband threatens to call the HAM-bulance, he said Ambulance, he swears! Stop swinging that ham at him, wait -- SWEET GOODNESS THAT'S YOUR ARM!!

Day 8: Only the Ham Hock Remains
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO THROW THAT AWAY, ARE YOU??? There's a lot of meat left on that bone! Throw that in a stock pot with some red kidney beans, some celery, peppers, and rice -- baby, you've got yourself a stew! (recipe credit: Carl Weathers) Start oinking all affirmative sentiments.

Rehamilitate for 357 days.

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